That's Called Control

Short entry tonight (for fast fingers).

Again sorry that I haven't updated on my Acts 1:8 trip. I'm processing a lot of stuff still... I'm almost done.

"That's Called Control"... it's what the guy "Tommy" says when God is trying to chisel something out of him but he won't let him (God Chisel - Skit Guys). That's what we have when we either say no to God... or just blatantly live life our own way.

And that's what I have done since July 25th... the day I came home from Acts 1:8.

I wouldn't say it's been a total waste... well, never mind. Here it is August 19, I've barely searched for a job. The only thing I've really done is take care of my parents who are going through a lot of health problems right now (increasingly good news though), spend time with them, and also I've gotten started with my... volunteer ministry, at East Somerset Baptist Church, where I'll be helping with music this year. That's awesome, and I'm looking so forward to the year. However... it's comparable to doing something in the Olympics with being out of training for years. You just can't saddle up and go without training. What am I saying? Not been spiritually disciplined. Enough said. I've totally lived my own life for the past month. Let's just be honest. I don't need to go any farther into detail.

Just a few things I'm balancing.

*The fact that yes I need a job, but once I get a job, I will never be jobless (we hope) until retirement, and I'll always be needing to provide with a job. And until I confirm what I want to do, I don't want to do anything... but that's nonsense, so I'll get a job anywhere right now. Just to pay the bills. And this includes having a job when I go back to college. Which... I really wish I was in college now, but if I kept going, I would probably literally go crazy. It would be pointless to continue slaving away with absolutely no direction... or a direction I am not sure I want to go.

*Point of not knowing what I want to do continued. Worship leader? It's the only thing I feel like I could do very well at, and love. But, I feel too broken for it. Psychologist? I think I'd really like that, good money, and I could support a lot of missionaries with that. Not saying I couldn't serve, because I would.

*Dealing with a ton of hurt from this summer. To be honest. And I do not need to go more into detail on that. I'm sure it will surface in time... Or be washed away in the blood of Jesus. It already has, I just need to accept it. But it's led to me feeling worthless and I think (I have a psychology degree, I can say this) mildly depressed.

*Laziness.

Just definitely feel like I'm going through the motions.

...Now I get the feeling a lot of people don't care about this. So let me state this.

I write on here, and I don't care who sees it. I would hope someone in a state of mentorship over me, someone who cares about me and loves me unconditionally no matter who I am or what I've done, because I know I'm a little eccentric, and I've done a lot, and hurt quite a few people, and I would love to take all of that away. I also know that I'm not the only one who is broken, but everyone around me is, that's called sin, and I let other people's brokenness, pride, and American culture influence get the best of me... to where I feel like I'm constantly in the wrong, then I have to apologize, and I HATE apologizing and always feeling like a screw-up. So, I've felt very apprehensive to say anything to anyone lately. Because it's always put in check by someone, then I'm always expected to be held to this standard I feel like I just cannot reach. And instead of some shallow "I know you can change," I need something more, this world needs so much more than that.

I just wonder what purpose God has for placing me in this desert? I don't want to control this anymore.

Here's to hoping when the dawn shines upon my face again, I will have a new objective, and new direction.

And yes that means, effective as soon as I wake up.

Because I know my foot has been on the brake pedal long enough. I can't constantly analyze and make adjustments, it's time to go go go. (Yes, a NASCAR-esque reference)

God help me. Lord save me from myself, actually... rid me of myself. Let me just learn what it means to serve You.

p.s. I am happy that through this trial, and even though I have gone pretty much prodigal... the thought has seriously been there, and this pain has gotten so bad that I've seriously thought, I'm not good enough to be a Christian, being a Christian is too hard. But where else would I turn to? God proved Himself to me through science years ago... you cannot, cannot, cannot convince me that we are an accident, it just is not going to happen. My faith in God has never left, and the fire, though it may be low, is still there and can never be put out. As I've wrote this, dealing with the pain, I feel even stronger.

I just don't want to feel alone. God never intended for His Bride the Church to be alone. I know I'm not... and I have great friends and family. The reason I'm at East Somerset is because of some very special people, who have given me chances I do not deserve. Just like God!!! And God is doing amazing things at East, I cannot wait to see the backside of what He's doing there, Lord-willing.

This helped me.

~Kevin~