11.06.2012
Get ready, Church.
It does matter who becomes President. But... then it doesn't matter. I said it once before and I'll say it again... WE, the people of the United States, are the true rulers of our country, as is written in our Declaration of Independence and Constitution. Not the man in the Oval Office. He just represents us. We make the change happen. A commentator earlier said that we have become like Western Europe, we want people to do our job for us. USA, when that happens the vision is lost and we might as well just redo government. That is what is happening.
I don't care what happens, as a preacher said once, quoting the classic The Wizard of Oz, "We are not in Kansas anymore. SO WHAT?!" The *FACT* is... the USA will see worse trouble one day, much more trouble than when Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy hit, and the people of our secular United States will turn to one reliable source for aid, THE CHURCH. And the question is... Church, will we rise from the ashes? Will we come out of our complacency? God reigns, and His victory is sure. But, will we be the light to glorify our Savior?
Almost posted this on facebook, changed my mind. You most likely linked here from there but even if not, get ready America, and more importantly, get ready, Church. I am not nor will I claim to be a prophet, but I know the nations will see a lot of trouble one day... but it all doesn't matter, because our hope is in the Lord. He has already won against evil, against sin.
God bless America.
10.04.2012
Total Surrender
Okay, there is absolutely no way I can finish this in one entry. This will
require many, many days and many posts. But this is where I’m going. This is
what 2012 is all about for me. Total surrender to my Savior. And, what provoked
this posting was a girl.
She’s
18. I’m rapidly approaching 23. And I have so much to learn from her.
This
girl is an incredible, talented, intelligent, very friendly, girl. What makes
her stand out is she has not just passion, but EXTREME PASSION and UNWAVERING
LOVE of God. She is totally surrendered; there isn't a doubt in my mind. And
there are many ways I know this, but one solidified any question, and there was
no question.
In
the Spring of 2012, WKU had a magician named Jim Munroe come to our campus for
a campus-wide outreach, in which he told his story of coming to Christ. Nobody
could ever forget it. He had been diagnosed with cancer in his bone marrow, and
I believe it was terminal, he was dead. Obviously, he didn't die and here’s
why. There was a revolutionary procedure at the time done that included completely
destroying his immune system, removing every last drop of bone marrow from his
body, and during this process, any single free radical that our bodies can
either fight off or cause us to get sick… anything would kill him because he
would have zero immunity to it. In turn, he would receive bone marrow from a
donor… in which the marrow had to be a perfect match, otherwise it would be
incompatible and attack the body system. He would end up living and thereby
being instantly cured of his terminal cancer. What an amazing story. God used
it to share the Gospel with him too… CRAZY stuff… the crazy thing, he was
essentially “dead” for 3 days… and the moment the new marrow came into his
body, it was a new life, literally. And the young lady that donated her marrow... became Jim's hero.
This
girl I spoke of before, named Sammi, is giving of her selfless life, interrupting her education,
her duties on the BCM Leadership Team, and putting her life on the line for
another person by doing what saved Jim Munroe. Another donor, another chance to
share the Gospel. New life for a terminally ill patient.
Sammi
will literally become a hero, because as she posted, if something prevented her
from giving her marrow at this point, this patient is DEAD, GUARANTEED. She is
becoming a hero, and there is no question it is because of Christ, and she has
been compelled by Christ to do this… maybe not shedding her blood, but giving
of what gives her immunity, for this patient.
Talk
about admiring someone. And it's all for the glory of Christ.
But
Sammi is just a grain of sand… a whisper in the wind… how can she, or any of
us, make a difference? Only through Christ. This should be an insignificant
gesture. But it scares the crap out of me… risking my life to save another?
Would I be willing to give a kidney, some of my liver, my bone marrow… just because of the love
of Christ?! To save someone, just because I felt compelled to? "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? (Romans 7:24)"
Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7:25)
Luke
14:26 states, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother,
his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple.” (Personal
emphasis added.)
The
Sermon on the Mount… Matthew 5-7… the whole thing… all points to this: It is
all or nothing. It is throughout the Bible. Our lives are to be totally
surrendered. When we receive Christ as Savior of our lives, we don’t say, “God,
I surrender my Sunday mornings and maybe my Wednesdays to you.” No, that is an
incomplete salvation, and Christ didn’t die just to save some of you. Christ
went to the cross to completely cover all of you, your every sin, and through
the working of the Holy Spirit, Romans 12:2 comes into play… “be transformed by the renewing of your
minds.”(personal emphasis added) Matthew 13:1-9, explained in 18-23… Henry
Blackaby speaks on this that we must DAILY ready our hearts to be good soil so
that the Word of the Lord may be planted in us and bear fruit… (From the Devotional Experiencing God Day By Day by Henry T. Blackaby & Richard
Blackaby).
Again,
I know this is kind of loosely done, but this is just the beginnings of a
thought that I have that will take days, months… my entire life… to figure out.
But what I can tell you, is THIS is one of, if not the, missing link in my struggle with spiritual discipline.
Any
struggle I had with Acts 1:8 this summer (and it was A LOT of struggle), is
probably attributed to getting this down.
I’ll
end with a link to a song that one of the singers of the Clear band (the current worship band I psuedo-lead) wants to do. And it
is powerful… and all about total surrender. =)
Open Hands by Matt Papa
Godspeed,
~Kevin~
9.16.2012
Waiting On The Lord (Updates!)
It's a whole new week!!!
September has been awesome so far, really. Just a quick update for those I haven't told, I've decided to not get a job until next month mainly because my parents have so many doctor's appointments. Which is fine. But, I don't know if I've used my time the most wise in that time.
But it's okay, I've had some awesome opportunities, great conversations, and I know more is to come.
So just what's been going on in my life:
*Started the worship ministry stuff (it's an unofficial internship, basically) at my church, and having a blast. It is challenging because somewhere along the way I've become even more quiet, which stinks, and I'm trying to break that some. But I think things are going really well. This coming Wednesday music stuff will be totally happening under my supervision. I know I'm ready, so not too worried, and just hoping for greatness as God moves in our worship service!!!
*One conversation away from making an OFFICIAL commitment to my career.
*Still need to find a job, as I said, but I have a couple of ideas. One involves working with a psychologist in Somerset.
*Pre-ordered an iPhone 5!!!
Other than that...
*Pokemon Fire Red
*Dragonball Z.
I have fun with the last two items, but I know they aren't the best uses of my time.
Oh! I've also been cleaning my room, that progress has sort of halted, but will pick back up soon.
It's all about setting goals. And making sure they are met at all costs. A great college friend taught me that by his example. And I've thought more and more about that, and decided I want to really try to make that happen.
Not been making too big of a deal out of trying to lose weight, but I've been looking for options, found some. This cleaning my room has a lot to do with that, getting some room to do some working out. Also, might end up cleaning the garage some too... my brother has a weight bench he doesn't use and while I don't want to "lift" per se, I would like to tone. We'll just see. "It's all in the approach, the combat, and our will!*"
I know I haven't really touched a lot on anything "spiritual," I've kind of stepped back into just letting God teach me. But I do know God is doing awesome things at my church, and awesome opportunities are surfacing. It's just waiting to see what God wants to do! I hope to have grown a bunch even by the end of this month. Steps are being taken for that to happen, and I'm pumped for it!!!
Alright, the ZzzQuil is starting to kick in, and I'm notorious for late Saturday nights. So hopefully this helps some.
Until next time!
~Kevin~
*Zoids New Century Zero - Bit Cloud as he is fighting Berserk Fury.
September has been awesome so far, really. Just a quick update for those I haven't told, I've decided to not get a job until next month mainly because my parents have so many doctor's appointments. Which is fine. But, I don't know if I've used my time the most wise in that time.
But it's okay, I've had some awesome opportunities, great conversations, and I know more is to come.
So just what's been going on in my life:
*Started the worship ministry stuff (it's an unofficial internship, basically) at my church, and having a blast. It is challenging because somewhere along the way I've become even more quiet, which stinks, and I'm trying to break that some. But I think things are going really well. This coming Wednesday music stuff will be totally happening under my supervision. I know I'm ready, so not too worried, and just hoping for greatness as God moves in our worship service!!!
*One conversation away from making an OFFICIAL commitment to my career.
*Still need to find a job, as I said, but I have a couple of ideas. One involves working with a psychologist in Somerset.
*Pre-ordered an iPhone 5!!!
Other than that...
*Pokemon Fire Red
*Dragonball Z.
I have fun with the last two items, but I know they aren't the best uses of my time.
Oh! I've also been cleaning my room, that progress has sort of halted, but will pick back up soon.
It's all about setting goals. And making sure they are met at all costs. A great college friend taught me that by his example. And I've thought more and more about that, and decided I want to really try to make that happen.
Not been making too big of a deal out of trying to lose weight, but I've been looking for options, found some. This cleaning my room has a lot to do with that, getting some room to do some working out. Also, might end up cleaning the garage some too... my brother has a weight bench he doesn't use and while I don't want to "lift" per se, I would like to tone. We'll just see. "It's all in the approach, the combat, and our will!*"
I know I haven't really touched a lot on anything "spiritual," I've kind of stepped back into just letting God teach me. But I do know God is doing awesome things at my church, and awesome opportunities are surfacing. It's just waiting to see what God wants to do! I hope to have grown a bunch even by the end of this month. Steps are being taken for that to happen, and I'm pumped for it!!!
Alright, the ZzzQuil is starting to kick in, and I'm notorious for late Saturday nights. So hopefully this helps some.
Until next time!
~Kevin~
*Zoids New Century Zero - Bit Cloud as he is fighting Berserk Fury.
8.20.2012
Spiritual Encouragement
Nothing too special has happened since I last posted two days ago.
However, things are drastically different than the last time I posted.
Been digging in the Word, and by no prompting other than the Holy Spirit... and God has been speaking to me a ton honestly since Wednesday, just about all the stuff I've been carrying.
I think sometimes, we can carry stuff with us that is detrimental to us. I don't know what to compare it to right off hand, but cutting to the chase pride is something I struggle with. I discovered over the summer I have a mountain of pride. And through all this hurt and pain, I think what I have deduced is, I don't just have a mountain of pride... but I have a mountain range of pride. It is definitely a gargantuan wall that stands between the Lord and myself... and the people I know and love and myself.
Only God can take this from me... and I want to surrender it all.
But that honestly has been the root of all my "issues," just dealing with the fact that I cannot carry this. And why would I want to? This pride (in just one example of many) wants me to be an expert at something... it could even be worship, and by expert I mean get a doctorate, which there's nothing wrong with, but I think that should only be necessary if God equips me in such a way that it would be appropriate. Like, if I were to teach seminary students about worship later in life, then I would definitely love to have a doctorate, and if I genuinely wanted to help students learn about being a worship leader or something else in a seminary, then yes. But if I want to get it just to boast about how much knowledge I have... then, ESPECIALLY when it comes to worship, then you have 1 Corinthians 1:27, "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong," and 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." So it wouldn't be in love, I would probably turn into one of those "slave-driver" type teachers, Pharisaic, and I believe God works many times not through one's knowledge of something but simply by His wisdom alone, which none of us can ever have. And, it doesn't matter how smart I am as to how one experiences God in a worship service.
Goodness... I'm thinking like a worship leader. Nothing wrong with that!!! =D Anyway, my point for that, which was broken up with a ministry meeting, was that pride has been getting in the way of a lot of things for me... ultimately, it is spiritual warfare. And there's enough of a battle when it comes to how we can be the hands and feet of Jesus so that God can move within lives and people are saved from destruction.
So... in the name of Jesus Christ, AWAY FROM ME SATAN!
And when I take that lens off and think about the good things, it completely overshadows all the "negatives" I've seen like from this summer and stuff. And the negatives really aren't negatives...
So I know this is titled "Spiritual Encouragement," and it's only by God's grace that I am being pulled out of this spiritual desert. I would say I'm at the end, and on the horizon is the next chapter, and I am running full speed toward that. I know that chapter includes getting a job, which to be honest, I have made almost no effort to get. But, that has to change. I know what I want to look for. And I know I can make it happen... this week... today! =D Well, except for the fact that my dad has destroyed our deck because we need to replace our furnace pipes... so I need to help him with that. Other than that... I'm ready for this!
=D
However, things are drastically different than the last time I posted.
Been digging in the Word, and by no prompting other than the Holy Spirit... and God has been speaking to me a ton honestly since Wednesday, just about all the stuff I've been carrying.
I think sometimes, we can carry stuff with us that is detrimental to us. I don't know what to compare it to right off hand, but cutting to the chase pride is something I struggle with. I discovered over the summer I have a mountain of pride. And through all this hurt and pain, I think what I have deduced is, I don't just have a mountain of pride... but I have a mountain range of pride. It is definitely a gargantuan wall that stands between the Lord and myself... and the people I know and love and myself.
Only God can take this from me... and I want to surrender it all.
But that honestly has been the root of all my "issues," just dealing with the fact that I cannot carry this. And why would I want to? This pride (in just one example of many) wants me to be an expert at something... it could even be worship, and by expert I mean get a doctorate, which there's nothing wrong with, but I think that should only be necessary if God equips me in such a way that it would be appropriate. Like, if I were to teach seminary students about worship later in life, then I would definitely love to have a doctorate, and if I genuinely wanted to help students learn about being a worship leader or something else in a seminary, then yes. But if I want to get it just to boast about how much knowledge I have... then, ESPECIALLY when it comes to worship, then you have 1 Corinthians 1:27, "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong," and 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." So it wouldn't be in love, I would probably turn into one of those "slave-driver" type teachers, Pharisaic, and I believe God works many times not through one's knowledge of something but simply by His wisdom alone, which none of us can ever have. And, it doesn't matter how smart I am as to how one experiences God in a worship service.
Goodness... I'm thinking like a worship leader. Nothing wrong with that!!! =D Anyway, my point for that, which was broken up with a ministry meeting, was that pride has been getting in the way of a lot of things for me... ultimately, it is spiritual warfare. And there's enough of a battle when it comes to how we can be the hands and feet of Jesus so that God can move within lives and people are saved from destruction.
So... in the name of Jesus Christ, AWAY FROM ME SATAN!
And when I take that lens off and think about the good things, it completely overshadows all the "negatives" I've seen like from this summer and stuff. And the negatives really aren't negatives...
So I know this is titled "Spiritual Encouragement," and it's only by God's grace that I am being pulled out of this spiritual desert. I would say I'm at the end, and on the horizon is the next chapter, and I am running full speed toward that. I know that chapter includes getting a job, which to be honest, I have made almost no effort to get. But, that has to change. I know what I want to look for. And I know I can make it happen... this week... today! =D Well, except for the fact that my dad has destroyed our deck because we need to replace our furnace pipes... so I need to help him with that. Other than that... I'm ready for this!
=D
8.19.2012
That's Called Control
Short entry tonight (for fast fingers).
Again sorry that I haven't updated on my Acts 1:8 trip. I'm processing a lot of stuff still... I'm almost done.
"That's Called Control"... it's what the guy "Tommy" says when God is trying to chisel something out of him but he won't let him (God Chisel - Skit Guys). That's what we have when we either say no to God... or just blatantly live life our own way.
And that's what I have done since July 25th... the day I came home from Acts 1:8.
I wouldn't say it's been a total waste... well, never mind. Here it is August 19, I've barely searched for a job. The only thing I've really done is take care of my parents who are going through a lot of health problems right now (increasingly good news though), spend time with them, and also I've gotten started with my... volunteer ministry, at East Somerset Baptist Church, where I'll be helping with music this year. That's awesome, and I'm looking so forward to the year. However... it's comparable to doing something in the Olympics with being out of training for years. You just can't saddle up and go without training. What am I saying? Not been spiritually disciplined. Enough said. I've totally lived my own life for the past month. Let's just be honest. I don't need to go any farther into detail.
Just a few things I'm balancing.
*The fact that yes I need a job, but once I get a job, I will never be jobless (we hope) until retirement, and I'll always be needing to provide with a job. And until I confirm what I want to do, I don't want to do anything... but that's nonsense, so I'll get a job anywhere right now. Just to pay the bills. And this includes having a job when I go back to college. Which... I really wish I was in college now, but if I kept going, I would probably literally go crazy. It would be pointless to continue slaving away with absolutely no direction... or a direction I am not sure I want to go.
*Point of not knowing what I want to do continued. Worship leader? It's the only thing I feel like I could do very well at, and love. But, I feel too broken for it. Psychologist? I think I'd really like that, good money, and I could support a lot of missionaries with that. Not saying I couldn't serve, because I would.
*Dealing with a ton of hurt from this summer. To be honest. And I do not need to go more into detail on that. I'm sure it will surface in time... Or be washed away in the blood of Jesus. It already has, I just need to accept it. But it's led to me feeling worthless and I think (I have a psychology degree, I can say this) mildly depressed.
*Laziness.
Just definitely feel like I'm going through the motions.
...Now I get the feeling a lot of people don't care about this. So let me state this.
I write on here, and I don't care who sees it. I would hope someone in a state of mentorship over me, someone who cares about me and loves me unconditionally no matter who I am or what I've done, because I know I'm a little eccentric, and I've done a lot, and hurt quite a few people, and I would love to take all of that away. I also know that I'm not the only one who is broken, but everyone around me is, that's called sin, and I let other people's brokenness, pride, and American culture influence get the best of me... to where I feel like I'm constantly in the wrong, then I have to apologize, and I HATE apologizing and always feeling like a screw-up. So, I've felt very apprehensive to say anything to anyone lately. Because it's always put in check by someone, then I'm always expected to be held to this standard I feel like I just cannot reach. And instead of some shallow "I know you can change," I need something more, this world needs so much more than that.
I just wonder what purpose God has for placing me in this desert? I don't want to control this anymore.
Here's to hoping when the dawn shines upon my face again, I will have a new objective, and new direction.
And yes that means, effective as soon as I wake up.
Because I know my foot has been on the brake pedal long enough. I can't constantly analyze and make adjustments, it's time to go go go. (Yes, a NASCAR-esque reference)
God help me. Lord save me from myself, actually... rid me of myself. Let me just learn what it means to serve You.
p.s. I am happy that through this trial, and even though I have gone pretty much prodigal... the thought has seriously been there, and this pain has gotten so bad that I've seriously thought, I'm not good enough to be a Christian, being a Christian is too hard. But where else would I turn to? God proved Himself to me through science years ago... you cannot, cannot, cannot convince me that we are an accident, it just is not going to happen. My faith in God has never left, and the fire, though it may be low, is still there and can never be put out. As I've wrote this, dealing with the pain, I feel even stronger.
I just don't want to feel alone. God never intended for His Bride the Church to be alone. I know I'm not... and I have great friends and family. The reason I'm at East Somerset is because of some very special people, who have given me chances I do not deserve. Just like God!!! And God is doing amazing things at East, I cannot wait to see the backside of what He's doing there, Lord-willing.
This helped me.
~Kevin~
Again sorry that I haven't updated on my Acts 1:8 trip. I'm processing a lot of stuff still... I'm almost done.
"That's Called Control"... it's what the guy "Tommy" says when God is trying to chisel something out of him but he won't let him (God Chisel - Skit Guys). That's what we have when we either say no to God... or just blatantly live life our own way.
And that's what I have done since July 25th... the day I came home from Acts 1:8.
I wouldn't say it's been a total waste... well, never mind. Here it is August 19, I've barely searched for a job. The only thing I've really done is take care of my parents who are going through a lot of health problems right now (increasingly good news though), spend time with them, and also I've gotten started with my... volunteer ministry, at East Somerset Baptist Church, where I'll be helping with music this year. That's awesome, and I'm looking so forward to the year. However... it's comparable to doing something in the Olympics with being out of training for years. You just can't saddle up and go without training. What am I saying? Not been spiritually disciplined. Enough said. I've totally lived my own life for the past month. Let's just be honest. I don't need to go any farther into detail.
Just a few things I'm balancing.
*The fact that yes I need a job, but once I get a job, I will never be jobless (we hope) until retirement, and I'll always be needing to provide with a job. And until I confirm what I want to do, I don't want to do anything... but that's nonsense, so I'll get a job anywhere right now. Just to pay the bills. And this includes having a job when I go back to college. Which... I really wish I was in college now, but if I kept going, I would probably literally go crazy. It would be pointless to continue slaving away with absolutely no direction... or a direction I am not sure I want to go.
*Point of not knowing what I want to do continued. Worship leader? It's the only thing I feel like I could do very well at, and love. But, I feel too broken for it. Psychologist? I think I'd really like that, good money, and I could support a lot of missionaries with that. Not saying I couldn't serve, because I would.
*Dealing with a ton of hurt from this summer. To be honest. And I do not need to go more into detail on that. I'm sure it will surface in time... Or be washed away in the blood of Jesus. It already has, I just need to accept it. But it's led to me feeling worthless and I think (I have a psychology degree, I can say this) mildly depressed.
*Laziness.
Just definitely feel like I'm going through the motions.
...Now I get the feeling a lot of people don't care about this. So let me state this.
I write on here, and I don't care who sees it. I would hope someone in a state of mentorship over me, someone who cares about me and loves me unconditionally no matter who I am or what I've done, because I know I'm a little eccentric, and I've done a lot, and hurt quite a few people, and I would love to take all of that away. I also know that I'm not the only one who is broken, but everyone around me is, that's called sin, and I let other people's brokenness, pride, and American culture influence get the best of me... to where I feel like I'm constantly in the wrong, then I have to apologize, and I HATE apologizing and always feeling like a screw-up. So, I've felt very apprehensive to say anything to anyone lately. Because it's always put in check by someone, then I'm always expected to be held to this standard I feel like I just cannot reach. And instead of some shallow "I know you can change," I need something more, this world needs so much more than that.
I just wonder what purpose God has for placing me in this desert? I don't want to control this anymore.
Here's to hoping when the dawn shines upon my face again, I will have a new objective, and new direction.
And yes that means, effective as soon as I wake up.
Because I know my foot has been on the brake pedal long enough. I can't constantly analyze and make adjustments, it's time to go go go. (Yes, a NASCAR-esque reference)
God help me. Lord save me from myself, actually... rid me of myself. Let me just learn what it means to serve You.
p.s. I am happy that through this trial, and even though I have gone pretty much prodigal... the thought has seriously been there, and this pain has gotten so bad that I've seriously thought, I'm not good enough to be a Christian, being a Christian is too hard. But where else would I turn to? God proved Himself to me through science years ago... you cannot, cannot, cannot convince me that we are an accident, it just is not going to happen. My faith in God has never left, and the fire, though it may be low, is still there and can never be put out. As I've wrote this, dealing with the pain, I feel even stronger.
I just don't want to feel alone. God never intended for His Bride the Church to be alone. I know I'm not... and I have great friends and family. The reason I'm at East Somerset is because of some very special people, who have given me chances I do not deserve. Just like God!!! And God is doing amazing things at East, I cannot wait to see the backside of what He's doing there, Lord-willing.
This helped me.
~Kevin~
7.16.2012
"I'm Sorry" - About Apologizing
All for the glory of God.
Sorry I haven't updated as much as I want to. I think I'm really good at underestimating just how busy I truly am. But I've been trying my best to be as present with my Acts 1:8 team, especially since I have just over ONE WEEK left with them. And that is sad, I'm trying not to think about it. At the same time, I can't wait to get home. So, mixed emotions.
This blog is called The Chisel, influenced from Skit Guys' "God Chisel" video, and my goodness, I can literally feel God chiseling at me so hard this summer to the point it HURTS and it HURTS HORRIBLY at times. Through tears, anger, God is peeling back the layers and unburying the depths of my soul. I still feel like there's a lot to go. But I'm growing in grace so much, learning to take captive every thought (2 Corinthians 10:5) especially just today because things will happen or people will say something I just disagree with for whatever reason and in anger I play through scenarios of what the conversation would be like or what I should say if I should say anything... and it just consumes me sometimes, and I just feel convicted, that it isn't of God. So as painful as it has been, the storms are letting up and the rains are not as cold, and I'm starting to see a GORGEOUS sunset.
I feel like I've been apologizing a lot lately. And in some ways it's been hurtful... and it makes me feel like I'm so behind everyone spiritually. (not true, although we are all on a spiritual journey) I feel like I am not specialized at anything but worship, and that I get talked down to (that's how I perceive it) when I don't know or understand something. Off subject but I wanted to say that. So, anytime I expose myself from my introverted self and say something, sometimes, I feel like 98% of the time, I am reprimanded for what I've said. And my brothers and sisters are so intentional (that's a GOOD thing) with every word spoken that if I even phrase something wrong I'm called out on it. Or I get asked my all-time least favorite question, "What do you mean?" Sorry, a lot of ranting going on with this, let me try and focus now.
See, when I apologize to someone, it's because, in my eyes, I have wronged a person. I have offended them, harmed them, or done something horrible, been defiant, or just a number of possibilities. And as I have discovered this summer, I have a TON of pride, which ironically I am not proud of. So it takes a lot for me to apologize to someone, and it's exhausting. Because I like to be right, I like to be the light, and I do NOT like to be wrong. I am a perfectionist, and like to do things the right way 100% of the time, so when I do something wrong, I have absolutely and miserably failed that person and my witness as a Christian (again, this is how I feel). So, that's why apologizing has been a big deal to me.
What have I learned?
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." says Matthew 5:9. We are called to be peacemakers and should rejoice at this... do everything for the glory of God. So anytime we get a chance to reconcile with a brother or sister, it should make our hearts glad, because that person who brings the grievance to your attention (or if the Holy Spirit has) has given you an opportunity to grow. And we have a choice... to accept the chance to grow, or reject it... and God doesn't look upon people too well if we reject discipline (Proverbs 29:1). Cool thing just happened... I meant to look at Proverbs 12:1... but God provided a better verse!!! Praise Him.
So as painful as it has been, I've chosen to accept His discipline, though I don't understand it that much, I know that for this time and this purpose He has called me to live in this way. And God knows this will benefit me in the future.
I also think sometimes I look at pleasant conversation as a way to grow closer to someone... but I think I'm starting to find that conflict handled righteously will grow people closer together.
I don't know how clear I've been in this... nor do I care, I just pray that God uses this to speak to you. The take home points:
We choose the attitude we take when we enter conflict with someone.
Every conflict is a growth opportunity and a teaching / learning opportunity. Take it. We need to grow every chance we get.
Be optimistic.
I may or may not edit this later, because I've been distracted. But it's therapeutic to share this, even though I shared this in complete peace and not in frustration. Last thought.
I offended someone tonight, yet again, and though what I was accused of was completely false, I swallowed my pride and apologized immediately. And I was filled with peace.
Peace be with you. More coming soon I hope.
~Kevin~
Sorry I haven't updated as much as I want to. I think I'm really good at underestimating just how busy I truly am. But I've been trying my best to be as present with my Acts 1:8 team, especially since I have just over ONE WEEK left with them. And that is sad, I'm trying not to think about it. At the same time, I can't wait to get home. So, mixed emotions.
This blog is called The Chisel, influenced from Skit Guys' "God Chisel" video, and my goodness, I can literally feel God chiseling at me so hard this summer to the point it HURTS and it HURTS HORRIBLY at times. Through tears, anger, God is peeling back the layers and unburying the depths of my soul. I still feel like there's a lot to go. But I'm growing in grace so much, learning to take captive every thought (2 Corinthians 10:5) especially just today because things will happen or people will say something I just disagree with for whatever reason and in anger I play through scenarios of what the conversation would be like or what I should say if I should say anything... and it just consumes me sometimes, and I just feel convicted, that it isn't of God. So as painful as it has been, the storms are letting up and the rains are not as cold, and I'm starting to see a GORGEOUS sunset.
I feel like I've been apologizing a lot lately. And in some ways it's been hurtful... and it makes me feel like I'm so behind everyone spiritually. (not true, although we are all on a spiritual journey) I feel like I am not specialized at anything but worship, and that I get talked down to (that's how I perceive it) when I don't know or understand something. Off subject but I wanted to say that. So, anytime I expose myself from my introverted self and say something, sometimes, I feel like 98% of the time, I am reprimanded for what I've said. And my brothers and sisters are so intentional (that's a GOOD thing) with every word spoken that if I even phrase something wrong I'm called out on it. Or I get asked my all-time least favorite question, "What do you mean?" Sorry, a lot of ranting going on with this, let me try and focus now.
See, when I apologize to someone, it's because, in my eyes, I have wronged a person. I have offended them, harmed them, or done something horrible, been defiant, or just a number of possibilities. And as I have discovered this summer, I have a TON of pride, which ironically I am not proud of. So it takes a lot for me to apologize to someone, and it's exhausting. Because I like to be right, I like to be the light, and I do NOT like to be wrong. I am a perfectionist, and like to do things the right way 100% of the time, so when I do something wrong, I have absolutely and miserably failed that person and my witness as a Christian (again, this is how I feel). So, that's why apologizing has been a big deal to me.
What have I learned?
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." says Matthew 5:9. We are called to be peacemakers and should rejoice at this... do everything for the glory of God. So anytime we get a chance to reconcile with a brother or sister, it should make our hearts glad, because that person who brings the grievance to your attention (or if the Holy Spirit has) has given you an opportunity to grow. And we have a choice... to accept the chance to grow, or reject it... and God doesn't look upon people too well if we reject discipline (Proverbs 29:1). Cool thing just happened... I meant to look at Proverbs 12:1... but God provided a better verse!!! Praise Him.
So as painful as it has been, I've chosen to accept His discipline, though I don't understand it that much, I know that for this time and this purpose He has called me to live in this way. And God knows this will benefit me in the future.
I also think sometimes I look at pleasant conversation as a way to grow closer to someone... but I think I'm starting to find that conflict handled righteously will grow people closer together.
I don't know how clear I've been in this... nor do I care, I just pray that God uses this to speak to you. The take home points:
We choose the attitude we take when we enter conflict with someone.
Every conflict is a growth opportunity and a teaching / learning opportunity. Take it. We need to grow every chance we get.
Be optimistic.
I may or may not edit this later, because I've been distracted. But it's therapeutic to share this, even though I shared this in complete peace and not in frustration. Last thought.
I offended someone tonight, yet again, and though what I was accused of was completely false, I swallowed my pride and apologized immediately. And I was filled with peace.
Peace be with you. More coming soon I hope.
~Kevin~
6.18.2012
Tip Of The Iceburg
Hey,
It's almost 1am and I really need to get in bed. But I just wanted to quickly update what we've been doing and where I stand on things.
There's a blog http://acts18richmondnewyork.blogspot.com/ if you want to follow the official adventures.
But basically we have done a Youth Revival, Backyard Bible Clubs, and the first Sunday here we taught some of the middle and high school Sunday schools. One of our own taught the college class for the past couple of weeks and have both done a superb job.
As for me... again, skimming the surface.
Overall, this trip has been wonderful. There have been a few times that I have been really down, however. I guess that is just part of the normal chiseling process? Who knows. But here's what I do know.
I discovered that I have lived the past few years just wanting to skim the surface of what it truly means to be a Christian. Get in the Word when I wanted, prayed when I wanted. Did just enough to satisfy the needs for the worship cluster or other Christian things I was doing.
(My teammate Jason always calls me out (jokingly) every time I say the word FAIL and if you know me you know I just love that word. But now I seriously use it on myself.)
Fail.
Our call is not one of half-doing things, but of total surrender. And if you aren't totally surrendered then are you really a Christian? Or are you just playing the part sitting in the pew every Sunday and maybe feeling a little generous to help out?
I've been undergoing some serious war. There was one point it got so bad I even was doubting my salvation. (God turned me around quickly on that one). And a couple of people on my team have really, really been challenging me in good ways... in some ways, though, I feel sort of different, as in so bad it sets me apart (in a bad way) from the team. But I can take comfort in that everyone has probably felt that at some point. Also, we are all on a spiritual journey and I just have to remember that.
Finally, God challenged me today to have faith, and naturally led me to Hebrews 11. And, wow, check that out if you are struggling with faith because it's good stuff. And it's cool being a religious studies scholar seeing how Paul transitions that into discipline.
Oh, yeah, on that note. I feel that discipline is just half the battle. I think it's very, very important. But if we have no faith... then why bother? We would just be Pharisees and your typical hypocritical church-goer. That's not being a Christian.
I close with this. I was in a conversation with a girl who has been to Africa, and has an awesome story. I saw her get VERY excited talking about Jesus today, and I'm seriously trying to think last time I saw someone get excited about Jesus rather than being the typical overanalytical low-compassion person I am sometimes used to being around. It's amazing how that can turn your day and maybe even your entire trip around. And I pray that I can become that... let me get excited about Jesus!!! Also, pray for boldness for me.
Psalm 29
Ephesians 6:19-20
All Glory To Jesus,
~Kevin~
p.s. DALE EARNHARDT JR WON SUNDAY! =D
It's almost 1am and I really need to get in bed. But I just wanted to quickly update what we've been doing and where I stand on things.
There's a blog http://acts18richmondnewyork.blogspot.com/ if you want to follow the official adventures.
But basically we have done a Youth Revival, Backyard Bible Clubs, and the first Sunday here we taught some of the middle and high school Sunday schools. One of our own taught the college class for the past couple of weeks and have both done a superb job.
As for me... again, skimming the surface.
Overall, this trip has been wonderful. There have been a few times that I have been really down, however. I guess that is just part of the normal chiseling process? Who knows. But here's what I do know.
I discovered that I have lived the past few years just wanting to skim the surface of what it truly means to be a Christian. Get in the Word when I wanted, prayed when I wanted. Did just enough to satisfy the needs for the worship cluster or other Christian things I was doing.
(My teammate Jason always calls me out (jokingly) every time I say the word FAIL and if you know me you know I just love that word. But now I seriously use it on myself.)
Fail.
Our call is not one of half-doing things, but of total surrender. And if you aren't totally surrendered then are you really a Christian? Or are you just playing the part sitting in the pew every Sunday and maybe feeling a little generous to help out?
I've been undergoing some serious war. There was one point it got so bad I even was doubting my salvation. (God turned me around quickly on that one). And a couple of people on my team have really, really been challenging me in good ways... in some ways, though, I feel sort of different, as in so bad it sets me apart (in a bad way) from the team. But I can take comfort in that everyone has probably felt that at some point. Also, we are all on a spiritual journey and I just have to remember that.
Finally, God challenged me today to have faith, and naturally led me to Hebrews 11. And, wow, check that out if you are struggling with faith because it's good stuff. And it's cool being a religious studies scholar seeing how Paul transitions that into discipline.
Oh, yeah, on that note. I feel that discipline is just half the battle. I think it's very, very important. But if we have no faith... then why bother? We would just be Pharisees and your typical hypocritical church-goer. That's not being a Christian.
I close with this. I was in a conversation with a girl who has been to Africa, and has an awesome story. I saw her get VERY excited talking about Jesus today, and I'm seriously trying to think last time I saw someone get excited about Jesus rather than being the typical overanalytical low-compassion person I am sometimes used to being around. It's amazing how that can turn your day and maybe even your entire trip around. And I pray that I can become that... let me get excited about Jesus!!! Also, pray for boldness for me.
Psalm 29
Ephesians 6:19-20
All Glory To Jesus,
~Kevin~
p.s. DALE EARNHARDT JR WON SUNDAY! =D
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