Sorry I haven't updated as much as I want to. I think I'm really good at underestimating just how busy I truly am. But I've been trying my best to be as present with my Acts 1:8 team, especially since I have just over ONE WEEK left with them. And that is sad, I'm trying not to think about it. At the same time, I can't wait to get home. So, mixed emotions.
This blog is called The Chisel, influenced from Skit Guys' "God Chisel" video, and my goodness, I can literally feel God chiseling at me so hard this summer to the point it HURTS and it HURTS HORRIBLY at times. Through tears, anger, God is peeling back the layers and unburying the depths of my soul. I still feel like there's a lot to go. But I'm growing in grace so much, learning to take captive every thought (2 Corinthians 10:5) especially just today because things will happen or people will say something I just disagree with for whatever reason and in anger I play through scenarios of what the conversation would be like or what I should say if I should say anything... and it just consumes me sometimes, and I just feel convicted, that it isn't of God. So as painful as it has been, the storms are letting up and the rains are not as cold, and I'm starting to see a GORGEOUS sunset.
I feel like I've been apologizing a lot lately. And in some ways it's been hurtful... and it makes me feel like I'm so behind everyone spiritually. (not true, although we are all on a spiritual journey) I feel like I am not specialized at anything but worship, and that I get talked down to (that's how I perceive it) when I don't know or understand something. Off subject but I wanted to say that. So, anytime I expose myself from my introverted self and say something, sometimes, I feel like 98% of the time, I am reprimanded for what I've said. And my brothers and sisters are so intentional (that's a GOOD thing) with every word spoken that if I even phrase something wrong I'm called out on it. Or I get asked my all-time least favorite question, "What do you mean?" Sorry, a lot of ranting going on with this, let me try and focus now.
See, when I apologize to someone, it's because, in my eyes, I have wronged a person. I have offended them, harmed them, or done something horrible, been defiant, or just a number of possibilities. And as I have discovered this summer, I have a TON of pride, which ironically I am not proud of. So it takes a lot for me to apologize to someone, and it's exhausting. Because I like to be right, I like to be the light, and I do NOT like to be wrong. I am a perfectionist, and like to do things the right way 100% of the time, so when I do something wrong, I have absolutely and miserably failed that person and my witness as a Christian (again, this is how I feel). So, that's why apologizing has been a big deal to me.
What have I learned?
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." says Matthew 5:9. We are called to be peacemakers and should rejoice at this... do everything for the glory of God. So anytime we get a chance to reconcile with a brother or sister, it should make our hearts glad, because that person who brings the grievance to your attention (or if the Holy Spirit has) has given you an opportunity to grow. And we have a choice... to accept the chance to grow, or reject it... and God doesn't look upon people too well if we reject discipline (Proverbs 29:1). Cool thing just happened... I meant to look at Proverbs 12:1... but God provided a better verse!!! Praise Him.
So as painful as it has been, I've chosen to accept His discipline, though I don't understand it that much, I know that for this time and this purpose He has called me to live in this way. And God knows this will benefit me in the future.
I also think sometimes I look at pleasant conversation as a way to grow closer to someone... but I think I'm starting to find that conflict handled righteously will grow people closer together.
I don't know how clear I've been in this... nor do I care, I just pray that God uses this to speak to you. The take home points:
We choose the attitude we take when we enter conflict with someone.
Every conflict is a growth opportunity and a teaching / learning opportunity. Take it. We need to grow every chance we get.
Be optimistic.
I may or may not edit this later, because I've been distracted. But it's therapeutic to share this, even though I shared this in complete peace and not in frustration. Last thought.
I offended someone tonight, yet again, and though what I was accused of was completely false, I swallowed my pride and apologized immediately. And I was filled with peace.
Peace be with you. More coming soon I hope.
~Kevin~
